


The Thing About Closure

by teamrebecchi



Category: Neighbours (TV)
Genre: Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-19
Updated: 2018-01-19
Packaged: 2019-03-06 18:31:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,125
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13417113
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/teamrebecchi/pseuds/teamrebecchi
Summary: After talking to Kate about Mark and giving her advice as to how she can move on when she doesn't have any closure or know for certain that he is dead, Toadie starts to question his advice and realises that he hasn't been able to do what he advised Kate to do. Re: Moving from Dee.





	The Thing About Closure

The thing about death is that; you only really get closure when you have a body! If there is a body, you know that person is dead, that they are gone, that they’re not going to come walking back into your life one day. It is final but what do you do when there isn’t a body? When you have to assume that they are dead because you don’t know what happened to them?

Toadie just sat there. He knew that Sonya was just in the other room with Nell, the house was aloud with noise but at the same time, it felt like this deafening silence was taking hold of him. He couldn’t make sense of what just happened. He knew what had happened but it didn’t make sense. Even his own thoughts were jumbled as he tried desperately to put the pieces together and understand what he’d just done.

“You’re never going to know what really happened so stop tormenting yourself and just let it go.”

How could he of all people have given someone that advice? 

He couldn’t for the life of him figure out why, of all the advice he could have given Kate he said that. Those words were going through his mind nonstop. He couldn’t stop thinking about what he would be going through if someone said that to him just after he lost Dee, when he still believed that she was alive and out there somewhere and for him to do that to Kate, knowing that she was convinced that Mark was still alive, and didn’t want to give up on the idea of seeing him again and he told her to let it go? 

There is no such thing as letting it go! When you lose someone, physically lose them and have no idea if they are dead or alive, because they’re just gone, you just let it go because the idea that they might still be alive is haunting. It is like a kind of death. It is always there, at the back of your mind and you know they aren’t with you but you also know that they’re not in a cemetery or in an urn but the one thing you don’t know is if they are dead or alive. That is why the advice he gave Kate was bothering him so much. Why he felt so restless because he will never know what happened to Dee anymore then Kate will ever know what happened to Mark and this idea that he must have put in her head, that not knowing isn’t even that bad because you know that you have to move on with your life and stop dwelling in the past is just a fallacy. It doesn’t work. It has been 10 years and he is still tormented over losing Dee. Over not knowing if she is dead or alive and out there somewhere, just waiting to be found. 

What if she was alive? What if she has been waiting for Toadie to come and find her? What if she had amnesia after the accident or slipped into a coma? What if she moved on with her life because she was in the same position he was in and thought that he was dead and had no way or finding out the truth? What if she came back and saw that he was married and had a child and didn’t want to ruin it?

What if, what if, what if!

A day hasn’t gone by when at least one of these questions wasn’t going through his mind. Even if it was only for a second or two, he never stopped wondering where she was or if she was okay or more to point, if she was dead or alive. It never left his mind. It was always there. If he was bored or if someone mentioned something that Dee liked or it was something that she herself would have had or did say, a particular smell or if he saw the flowers that she wore in her hair on their wedding day. It was the small things, always the small things that brought up those memories and he often wondered if they found her body and he had buried her, if he knew for an absolute certainty that she was dead, would those little things still bring back those memories and would these questions he still wants answers to plague him the way that they do?

This was what was bothering him. He knew the pain and the struggles. He knew this was endless but he’d given Kate the perspective that it ends. 

Then again, what should he have told her?

That she will never know for certain if they are alive or dead because there isn’t a body?

That she will never have a grave to stand over?

That there will be so many soul crushing moment when you see someone at distance who wears their hair the same way or from an angle looks similar to the person you want back and how it takes every bit of self control not to run up to them because it must be them. That they are still alive and have walked back into your life and how it feels like you might die from happiness because you always knew they weren’t really dead only to see that person up close and realise that it isn’t them. They haven’t come back and not knowing whether to continue to have hope and think that they may still be alive or have a realization that they are actually dead because they would come back if they were alive.

That is the problem with not having closure because there is always some kind of hope to hold onto only for reality to crash through and hurt you over and over and over again. 

How do you tell someone that part of not knowing the truth about a loved one’s fate? 

Does Kate really want to know how much pain she will go through for the rest of her because she doesn’t know the truth?

‘Kate knows what I went through but she doesn’t know that I am still going through this so maybe I did help her’, Toadie thought to himself, ‘if she thinks that I managed to move on with my life despite not knowing what really happened then maybe she will think that she can too. That it isn’t hard. That it isn’t a struggle and maybe, just maybe the idea that everything will be okay is all that she needs to let go and move on with her life and be happy.’

‘I can live with that.’

‘I can live with that…I hope.’

**Author's Note:**

> This was originally written in 2015.


End file.
